Friday, October 6, 2023 21:41: I have begun to write this year’s liner notes. It’s early. That’s probably a good thing.
I just got back to Wisconsin from a couple weeks cleaning out the RV in Los Angeles. It was a pretty rough experience. It’s been hard enough being back in Madison, back in the house that Amanda and i lived in for 10 years and built our lives together in, without her; going back to that tiny metal tube where i cared for her through her entire cancer journey was nigh-unbearable. I procrastinated a lot on getting what i needed done. So i spent a lot of time working on the Poor-Ass Christmas playlist.
I had 30 songs on the playlist by the time i left LA. I was already pretty sure about 7 of those would end up getting cut, and the rest i had in a sequence i mostly liked. I figured it would just be fine-tuning from there, once i got back. Usually i spend all of October doing that.
Without full access to my iTunes library in California, though, i was working from Spotify. Once i checked my existing playlist, i found that i’d forgotten a couple songs, so i added them in; then i realized i’d forgotten to check this year’s Shazams. Another batch of songs thrown on. As i was going in to add the Cherry Glazerr song from iTunes that i’d forgotten, i noticed they had a new album that had just released literally four days before. I gave it a spin.
Holy hell. I can’t remember the last time an album hit me so hard, so fast. The new Cherry Glazerr album is so, so, so very good. I listened to it twice that night and again in the morning; switched back to the PAC playlist for one runthrough, and then back to Cherry Glazerr. I knew right away that Sip O’ Poison was getting removed. I tossed 4 songs from the new album on there.
We got to 47 songs. I started whittling.
This year i also listened through the remasters i’ve done of the last several years’ compilations a lot, and was badly affected by a lyric i heard in a song from 2017 that i’d never noticed before. It’s so hateful and stupid. I’ve never scrutinized the lyrics as closely as i should on these things. That changes this year.
With that in mind, i started looking for deeper meanings in everything i kept. A lot of these songs were already on here because i was using them to cope with Amanda’s death…and Copper’s death, and D’s death. My family has been cut in half since New Year’s. Two humans, two dogs, two cats, down to one of each.
All but two of the songs on this year’s compilation are either about Amanda’s death, or leaving LA (as a result of Amanda’s death), or figuring out who i am without her and moving on. They’re not in chronological sequence; i’m still beholden to making this thing flow well. I’ll make a note of which category each fits into. D for Death, L for Leaving LA, M for Moving on/personal discovery
—
1. Rush - Dreamline
rush.com
DLM
We are young / Wandering the face of the Earth / Wondering what our dreams might be worth / Learning that we’re only immortal / For a limited time
Rush has been with me my entire life. This song is not as old as i am but i’ve known it as long as i can remember. It’s been hitting me especially hard since she’s been gone. There’s a clear allusion to death in the chorus, and a way to interpret it as dying young. But mostly i’m using this song as a touchstone to remember that the adventure is the point, to live as much as we can in the short time that we have. I like to think that Amanda and i did that. I hope she feels the same way.
It also serves as a reminder that i’ve still got a lot of adventure ahead of me. I was listening to this a lot in August, very shortly after she passed, when i was struggling the most with seeing a path forward. Whether moving on is a metaphorical journey i take within my soul, or a physical one where i liquidate all my assets and literally RV my way around the world until the money runs out (an attractive possibility i thought about a lot while she was sick, but a bit less since she’s been gone). Either way, this song can soundtrack that.
They travel on the road to redemption / A highway out of yesterday that tomorrow will bring / Like lovers and heroes
2. Mattstagraham - Got the Autism
mattstagraham.com
M
Chelsea sent me this a couple months ago and i listened to it obsessively for days after. She’s convinced that i’m autistic. She’s probably right. Most of this song resonates pretty deeply with me. Plus it’s just a lot of fun.
I dug through Mattstagraham’s back catalog and man. A lot of it hits really close to home.
There’s three Mattstagraham songs on the comp this year, which still gives them less runtime than the Rush song we just covered. I’ve only given one band three tracks one time before, in 2008 when i first discovered Sleater-Kinney. This is significant.
3. Mannequin Pussy - I Got Heaven
mannequinpussy.com
DM
I’m stuck inside my loneliness / I’m stuck inside my grief / I wish i could’ve been there / To save you from the reach
I am spiteful like a god / Seek a vengeance like the rest / For what they did to you / I will never lay to rest
I’ve never had nightmares in my entire life. Well. A couple that i remember vividly from before i was 5 and have carried with me my whole life. But never since i was 5 years old. Until now. They started in the last few months of her life and have gotten worse since she’s been gone. Most of the time, they’re about me trying and failing to save her. “I wish i could’ve been there / To save you from the reach.” I don’t know specifically which “reach” this song is meant to refer to but that line hits me in the gut every time. It speaks deeply to the survivor’s guilt i’ve been grappling with ever since her Stage IV diagnosis two and a half years ago, possibly since the original diagnosis a year before that.
I don’t know that i’m seeking vengeance, to be honest. But “for what they did to you / I will never lay to rest” really, really makes me angry sometimes. Because i do, deeply, feel that the medical system failed her. They did everything wrong. Some of that can be attributed to Covid. But the worst of it falls on the doctors’ poor decisions and poor communication.
And what if Jesus himself ate my fuckin’ snatch?
4. The Good Natured - Skeleton
sazziexo.com
D
The Good Natured’s song Wolves was on the PAC two years ago. The instant i heard it i thought of Amanda. It’s such a perfect encapsulation of who she was. For as much as we loved that song, though, i never really delved into the rest of The Good Natured’s work, until now. Since she’s been gone i’ve been listening to that album a lot, and it’s all pretty good.
I had Wolves played at the funeral and i included some of the lyrics in the funeral pamphlets. When the went to play the song during the service, they accidentally played Skeleton instead of Wolves at first. We got it corrected within 30 seconds, but it was a bit of an awkward moment.
I do really like this song though. I think it reflects the vulnerability that came with keeping everyone updated throughout the whole journey. All the updates after every appointment, all the messages back and forth between friends and family. We were as transparent as we could be. A lot of people have come to me and thanked me or commended me for my bravery in sharing everything like that, but honestly, it was as much for us as it was for everyone else. Talking it out helped us process what was going on in a way that keeping it close to the chest never could have. And everyone showed up to help us through it. It was really beautiful and i’ll never forget that.
This song is for that feeling.
5. YONAKA - The Cure
weareyonaka.com
D
I would die a million times to start again / Because god forbid that this game should ever see an end
I look to you / This war i’m fighting / Don’t let me lose it
YONAKA is another one i listened to a lot, over and over, in the first week or two that she was gone. I don’t know for sure what the connection is. They’re a band i Shazamed off of one of Cal’s playlists last year and, like The Good Natured, i hadn’t checked out their other stuff since. Once i started going through it, i found i liked it a lot.
I don’t think it should take much to explain why a song called “The Cure” would resonate this year.
6. The Naked and Famous - Death
thenakedandfamous.com
D
There will be a last / There will be a last / Time / That we see each other
And i just can’t / Can’t decide / Which is worse / The idea / That you or i / Might go first
The party will still be going / But we have to leave / I think it’s better knowing / Than having to believe
7. Metric - Clone
ilovemetric.com
D
I told Jeri recently that Metric has about 2-3 lines on every album that absolutely cut me to the bone. This band has always made me feel things more deeply than any band ever could. She asked for examples. Immediately, i brought this one up, because i have been thinking about this song a lot this year, and this line specifically, especially in the last few weeks of Amanda’s life as we were trying to figure out what was actually going on, and then as i was trying to explain to her how bad it was, and…i don’t know if she really understood.
It’s too late in the day / Too late in the day / To take you on all the rides / I was afraid to tell you that
It’s too late in the day / To tell me i’m off the path / We’re already in the aftermath
8. Perturbator - Venger (f/Greta Link)
perturbator.com / greatlink.bandcamp.com
D
I’ve been into Perturbator for a few years, and very few of their songs have vocals on them, but the ones that do…i haven’t ever really listened to the lyrics. This came up on shuffle a few weeks ago and i stopped and really heard it for the first time.
Every night the dream’s always the same / Can’t escape these walls of dark decay / Feel me drowning underneath the waves / Every time it never seems to change
Well, there’s something about those nightmares again.
Took you away and now / They’re gonna get it, everything i have / You know now you’re gone / And i just want to have you back again
Fuck
Hollow heart is all i have today / Someone came and pulled away the veins / They stitched it up and put me on display / But nothing seems to cure me of the pain
Vulnerability again. Pain again.
FUCK.
9. Dance With the Dead - Her Ghost
dancewiththedead.bandcamp.com
D
My obsession with Dance With the Dead continues. They’ve been my favorite band for a while now. This is their sixth consecutive PAC appearance and i don’t know if that’s gonna stop any time soon. I’ve been playing their entire discography on shuffle at game nights recently and i’ve gotten a couple of people in my group to buy all of it - every Bandcamp Friday they put the full bundle up for ten bucks and that’s pretty damn good.
So i literally could’ve put any Dance With the Dead song on here.
This one was picked solely for the title.
10. Jincheng Zhang - Oneself
facebook.com/SingerJinchengZhang
M
I’m gonna be honest. I have no memory of how i found this song. It was on my worklist in Spotify and i don’t remember when or why i put it there. But it’s nice.
Again maybe strictly for the title, i’m putting this one in the “moving on/self-discovery” category.
11. Mattstagraham - I’M SOFT
mattstagraham.com
M
PLEASE BE NICE I’M VERY SOFT
I think i said most of what i’d need to say about this one up in the entry about Got the Autism. Mattstagraham’s music just really resonates with me.
I saw the comment you left on my last video / And you should really know / Words hurt / Motherfucker, words hurt / Sorry i said motherfucker that was pretty insensitive of me
12. UGHH - LIVIN WILL BE THE DEATH OF YOU
ughh.bandcamp.com
DM
Chelsea and i went to see a band called Fake Names earlier this year. She didn’t know them, they popped up on an app as a band she might like, so she asked if i wanted to check them out. I listened to a couple of their songs and i was like, “i dont’ know why but i’m getting (International) Noise Conspiracy vibes off these guys” and i looked it up and IT’S THE SAME FUCKING FRONT MAN. T(I)NC has been one of my favorite bands for years and i just had never followed up on what the members have been up to post-breakup.
UGHH was one of the openers. They were loud and energetic, and we both really liked them. I bought their CDs. Their recordings are a little more toned down from their unhinged live performance, and i love the recordings in a different way than i loved the show.
I hesitated to put a song called LIVIN WILL BE THE DEATH OF YOU on here because, with as heavy as a lot of this material is and as heavy as the year has been, it feels like it’s making light of such a serious topic. But on the other hand, it’s making light of a serious topic, so on it goes.
Plus, look back at what i wrote about Dreamline up there. Maybe livin will be the death of you, but as long as you truly lived, maybe that’s not so bad.
13. Destroy Boys - Shadow (I’m Breaking Down)
destroydestroyboys.com
DM
From this song i take an expression of the mixed bag of emotions the last couple months have been. A lot of hurt, anger, and fear, some of it without clear explanation. But there’s also the reconstruction in there. There’s a verse that’s in Spanish which is about identifying ghosts. The verse after that is representative of how i’m trying to move forward:
I take back my energy / I take away the need to please everybody / Release the fear, release the fear / I promise you, you’re safe here
And it ends triumphantly.
Friends with my demons like they are lovers / Everyone’s shadow wants to be uncovered / Learn to love the coward and you’ll birth a star / You have the power, take a light to the dark / To the dark
I’m getting there.
14. The Pack a.d. - Los Angeles
thepackad.com
DL
Wake up Los Angeles / I’m feeling great / Fell on the street last night / Right on my face / Climb in my picture car / And hit the lights / Woke up in hospital / I think i died
It’s all there. Going to LA, feeling great, looking forward…falling on my face…hospitals…dead.
Wake up diaphanous / And future dead / It’s all rhetorical / And in my head / This movie’s terrible / And vaguely real / My acting’s optional / It’s my appeal
This movie is terrible. Thanks i hate it.
Anyway The Pack a.d. is another band that’s been featured on the PAC before, but outside that one song i’d barely taken the time to listen to their music. I’ve been going through their albums this year and they’re all pretty great. More straightforward, old-school rock than i typically gravitate toward but really enjoyable. In some ways i want to make a White Stripes comparison but i don’t know if that’s really fair or applicable.
15. Starbenders - Holy Mother
starbenders.com
M
You know what? I’m gonna do something i’ve never done and say i would prefer not to explain what this song means to me. This one’s personal.
Much to my chagrin, i’ve used Spotify more than a few times this year, including while assembling the PAC track list, because i did a lot of work on it while i was back in LA packing up the RV and i didn’t have access to my iTunes library. This song was a Spotify recommendation based on other tracks already on the PAC playlist, and the first time i heard it i knew it was hitting something primal in me that i needed to have in my life. So, score one for Spotify, i guess. My original attraction to the song scratches the same itch i talked about extensively with a lot of the songs last year - that big, sing-along hook in the chorus that makes me want to belt out the lyrics as loud and as strong as i possibly can. Honestly in the last few days, when i’ve come back to this playlist to review the sequencing, i’ve started with this song more often than not, just because it’s what’s in my head and i want to hear it.
I tried listening to more of their songs, and the only one that got me at first was So High. Other than that, i did not like their music. At first. The more and more Holy Mother worms its way into my brain, though, the more and more i’ve dipped back into their other stuff. The album this song comes from, Love Potions, eventually did grow on me, and now i’m giving the others a more honest shot, and…yeah despite the overpowering 80s-ness of it, which i usually despise, i think i’m into this.
Also Starbenders is just a fucking badass name for a band. 10/10.
16. Cherry Glazerr - Ready for You
cherryglazerr.com
M
A couple years ago, i had Told You I’d Be With the Guys on the PAC work list, but it ended up getting cut. That song was something i’d gotten from a Pandora playlist, and i liked it well enough, but it didn’t stand up to other stuff that did get included that year, whichever year that was. I think it was last year that i finally grabbed that album, Apocalipstick, but i didn’t really listen to it until early this year. Suddenly it clicked. That album’s really good. I got into it pretty hard. I had the song Sip O’ Poison on the work list for this year’s PAC since probably February, and it was looking like a contender to stay in, but then. The day i got back from LA. So…last Wednesday…i’m writing this on October 9 so literally five days ago…out of curiosity i clicked through Cherry Glazerr’s name on Spotify and found they had just dropped a new album literally five days before that. So i put it on.
Jesus christ.
I listened through the album twice immediately, then twice again the next morning, and posted on Facebook, “holy hell the new Cherry Glazerr album is so good. i can't remember the last time an album hooked me from the start and kept my attention from front to back like this.”
I texted Chelsea, “are you into Cherry Glazerr at all? i've been listening to their first album a lot this year, but they just dropped a new one like 6 days ago and it's so good. i listened to it twice last night and i'm going through it again now. it's a breakup record, which is not what i need right now, but the guitar tone's perfect and the deliberate momentum the songs all trudge forward with really works for me. plus her voice on this album is kinda haunting. the whole presentation feels like a cohesive mission statement that evokes Veruca Salt when Louise is really hurt and angry.”
It is certainly a breakup record. I read through the lyrics to every song. I picked this one because, well, the guitar part hits me right and it’s got that singalong hook, but also because the lyrics do tap into my insecurities about moving on. I don’t know what i’m doing. Maybe no one does.
17. Bleached - Hollywood, We Did It All Wrong
hellobleached.com
DL
Bleached is great. Chelsea and i were supposed to see them opening for Bikini Kill last year and they…did not show up? We never got an explanation of what happened to them. The opener was a comedian with a keyboard and she said something from the stage about how they’d booked her on a couple hours’ notice.
For this one, let’s start with the title. Um. Yep. Hollywood, we did it all wrong. That’s very much how i feel about my nearly-five-year excursion to LA. I know i should extend myself a lot more grace than i have because circumstances were extenuating as hell and i was doing really well before they hit, but it still feels like maybe i could have or should have done things better. I will never know.
I think the song is just supposed to be about the vapidity of the film industry but i’m gonna take some liberties with my interpretation of the chorus.
Pictures of youth crowding up my view / Tell me what do i do with these pictures of youth / Hey memories, you got your hold on me / So tell me what do i do with these pictures of youth
What DO i do with these pictures of youth? I spent a lot of my free time in the last few years collecting, collating & organizing all of the photos and videos i could find of Amanda and i from our entire lives, and now that she’s gone…what do i do with them? It’s so hard to look through them now. I had big plans of doing a series of Youtube videos to tell our stories, but all of that really hinged on her and i doing it together. It was hard to get her to focus on it. She thought it was important too, and she wanted to help, but i could never get her to actually do that. All i wanted was for her to look at them and tell me her memories, so i could organize the story and then figure out the presentation. She did very little of that. Now those memories are lost. I don’t know what to do with these pictures of youth.
Honestly i did hear this as “pictures of you” for a long time and i maybe always will. What DO i do with these pictures of you? But she died so young, all of them, even the last ones, will always be pictures of youth.
Fuck.
18. IAN SWEET - All Skaters Go to Heaven
iansweetmusic.com
D
I think this one was another Spotify recommendation.
I. Uh.
How do i get past that title.
It’s about skateboarding, and it’s really a stretch to try and find much allegory from this song to our situation, but even still. It’s kind of a love song. It’s kind of a death song. It’s kind of a skating song.
I thought i’d cut this one, but i just couldn’t.
Oh, that’s a little bit exciting / To die by your side
19. Ladyhawke - Let it Roll
ladyhawkemusic.com
-
Alright! We’re 19 songs in and here’s the first one that has nothing to do with grief!
There were five artists that were gonna have a spot this year no matter what. I already talked about Dance With the Dead, but the playlist i keep coming back to this year and last i have literally titled “That 2022 Mood,” and it’s just everything i own by The Naked and Famous, Metric, The Sounds, and Ladyhawke on shuffle. That’s it. That’s most of what i listen to nowadays. Possibly because i am getting old and set in my ways.
I may need to make a concerted effort to include none of those artists next year, because that’s a huge chunk of real estate on the comp and i’ve shared them so many times, y’all get it.
This song is a lot of fun and it’s a big singalong for me, i love hearing while i’m driving, it’s got that great drum groove.
But what really gets me about this song is the lyrics. This is a dance song about conspiracy theories. Who does that?? I love it.
I’m on the flip side / Of every dollar bill / I am the eye watching over you
That’s an Illuminati reference. Straight up. Unambiguous. You know right from the beginning that this song is about conspiracies.
I wrote a big thing in Chelsea’s Jam of the Day group early this year about how my interpretation of this song is that it’s about the Heaven’s Gate cult and the Hale-Bopp comet. No one ever responded to me on that. I’m a bit disappointed.
Too many lovers in a hotel room / They’re making plans to run away to the moon / Not a care in the world they feel / This is the rhythm as the heart beats on and on
20. The Sounds - Dance With Me
the-sounds.com
M
Come on, come on / Hon get up and dance with me / No more, no more / Blue days and lonely years
The last of the five i mentioned above. I found The Sounds’ first two albums on an old hard drive while i was doing media archaeology last year January and i’ve been listening to them over and over ever since. I grabbed more of their albums but it’s really the first two that i keep coming back to again and again. One day this year i was driving around LA for hours and i put this song on repeat and sang along over and over, making sure i had memorized the words right. Like i did with that TAT song a couple years ago.
Chelsea’s right, i am autistic, aren’t i?
I’ve always been told, you will never grow old / You live your life too fast, i don’t need to rest / I’m not old and tired, but i’ve been through fire / And i’ve seen enough, and i might never be the same again / But have you seen my friends, they’re just the same
21. Mattstagraham - Gotta Be Productive
mattstagraham.com
M
Mattstagraham narrating my soul again. Remember that Jim’s Big Ego song, Stress, that i put on here two years ago? SAME SHIT. This is why i have a hard time playing video games nowadays, DREW.
VIDEO GAMES ARE NOT PRODUCTIVE
It’s unhealthy, i know, but also i have so many irons in the fire i just always always always feel like everything i do needs to be working toward a goal of some sort. This is not true, of course, and surely has contributed to the burnout, which i’m definitely experiencing. Someday i’ll learn to relax.
Maybe.
22. Distance - Hush (instrumental)
(????)(difficult to track down info - may be multiple artists with this name)
-
This was something that came up on a Pandora shuffle while i was falling asleep one night. I was barely nodding off and it invaded the dream that was forming. I woke up enough to hit the thumbs up button, and was somehow cognizant enough to remember having done that in the morning.
It’s just a great groove. I love the guitar work on this track and the way it feels like it’s driving forward.
That’s it. This one is strictly for pleasure.
23. Cannons - Bad Dream
cannonstheband.com
LM
My interpretation of these lyrics is that it’s more of a missed opportunity song than anything, lamenting a romance that might have been.
I’m gonna make this about LA.
I’ve heard this song on KROQ a lot this year, and for as little as i listen to the actual radio, i’ll probably always associate this song with that, and therefore the city.
We are bringing the nightmares back into it as well. Because, well. Obviously. Surface level interpretation. Also just the waking nightmare that i’ve been wading through since she’s gone.
I been living in a bad, bad dream / Sleepwalking through a sad scene
I’d also love to have the symmetry of beginning with Dreamline and ending with Bad Dream, but we’ve got one more song to go.
24. (trevor project) - Wolves [see update 11/20/2024 below]
(website)
D
It’s for her. I don’t think i need to elaborate too much on this. This was not a song that was with her for her entire life, this was not her favorite song, but it is the song that cut to her essence and perfectly illustrated who she was at her core. I will never hear this song without crying, at least on the inside.
Nat told me last night that she and another Reservoir Doll had both submitted this song for the Res Dolls Mixtape this year. I told her i had hoped it would be on there, i’d hoped the team would just put it in as a tribute to her. I’m so happy it’s on there.
I’ve already used this song on a Trevor’s PAC, just two years ago. It’s my party and i’ll do what i want, so if there’s a repeat there’s a repeat, especially this year. But i still would rather not do that.
So i decided to record a cover.
At the time of writing this, i have not actually done that yet, so i may want to write additional words or replace these words in the future when it’s done. But all that matters is, it’s for her.
Wolves will take her home.
—
I know no one, or almost no one, actually reads through these liner notes. I write them every hear, but i know i’m writing them for me; if others want to read them, they can, but that’s not why i do it. Usually i do it because it’s fun, and i like to look back on what my though processes were in previous years.
This year, it was therapeutic. I cried A LOT while writing this. I’ve cried a lot while sequencing the playlist. I’ll probably cry at least a little every time i listen to it forever. I might just cry forever.
I thought i would need a lot of breaks while writing it. I did the intro on October 6 and then sat down to do the songs on October 9th, and powered through all of it in one sitting. Once i started, i couldn’t stop. I had to see it through.
It was therapy.
A therapy, anyway. I thought i’d be starting actual grief counseling this week, but the counselor has not returned my phone calls? That’s weird, right?
Guess i’ll keep writing documents until they figure their shit out.
—
The Leftovers.
Dance with the Dead - Riot
Let's be honest, this one's probably gonna make it next year
Annabell Kowalski - Hey Boy Hey Girl
Blood Red Shoes - It’s Getting Boring By the Sea
Cherry Glazerr - Sip O’ Poison
Cherry Glazerr - Shattered
Cherry Glazerr - Sugar
Cherry Glazerr - Touched You With My Chaos
Emancipator - Maps
Fake Names - Don’t Blame Yourself
Fake Names - Running
Fake Names - Weight
For everything i said about Fake Names in the UGHH entry, none of their songs ended up making it. I just didn't like Fake Names nearly as much as Denis's previous bands. They don't have the punch of The (International) Noise Conspiracy or the influence of Refused. They're just very straightforward pop rock and the lyrics are kinda bland. Denis is still fun to see live though.
Fury Weekend - Velvet Rain (f/RAVDINA)
Fury Weekend - Velvet Rain (instrumental)
People always talk about "guilty pleasure" bands and i've never had that. I was a metalhead in high school but i was very open about how much i loved the Spice Girls and Mandy Moore. Music is music and music is fun, so fucking what. But then i started listening to Fury Weekend. Oh my god. Oh my god this music is so dumb. I don't know why i get so hooked into this music it's so fucking dumb. Why do i love it so much. This is it. This is what it's like to have a guilty pleasure.
George Harrison - What Is Life
I had this guitar riff stuck in my head for literal years before i figured out what it was and now i've cut it from the PAC two years in a row. Sorry George. You might be my favorite Beatle (might be), but there's no room for you here.
INXS - Don’t Change
I Shazamed this multiple times this year. It kept coming on at a burrito place i would grab lunch from while Amanda was in the hospital and i kept forgetting what it was.
KiNG MALA - cult leader
Le Castle Vania - A Long Way Down
Madonna - Like a Prayer
Madonna - Into the Groove
I went through a Madonna phase for a week or two this summer and blew through her whole discography multiple times. Kinda hurts to cut these, but overall it was an obvious choice.
Mannequin Pussy - Kiss
Rezz - Embers (f/Raven Gray)
Starbenders - So High
Spinnerette - Driving Song
I said, i said, so long, so long my friend / We'll never meet again
UGHH - The Lens
---
UPDATE 11/20/2024 10:48PM
Okay, so i had meant to come back and edit this after i fully finalized the track listing, and before it auto-posted on Christmas day, but i never did that, and i've gone almost a full year without noticing. A few things have changed, notably the order of songs from track 13 onward. But most importantly, the last song. I was never able to bring myself to work on a cover myself, but i still really wanted that for this compilation. I ended up asking Huan-Hua to do it for me, so the final track, the cover of Wolves in Amanda's honor, should be properly credited to miscellaneous owl.
I also had really wanted to have a second disc for the physical copy on this one anyway, since it was Volume 20, and i'd done a DVD for Volume 10. Initially, i was working on a second compilation, "The Unfortunate PAC Snubs," of songs that have been left off of the mix over the last 20 years that have bothered me. After Amanda died, that no longer seemed like an appropriate project. Instead, i started working on a video tribute to her, to include as a blu-ray. I started it on December 20th, and for some reason, i really thought i would have it done in time for Christmas. I ended up finishing it in April. It's five hours long.
That Snubs mix may yet see the light of day, but i don't know when. Maybe for the 25th.
I haven't re-read these notes. I just remember crying a lot while writing them. I meant to go back and more or less re-write them entirely, with more clarity, and i just couldn't. I probably never will. This is raw, and it should always remain as such, i suppose.
